for once, i'd like things to go right. something to work out. anything.
all i want to do is be able to go to school, get a good job, pay off my immense amount of debt, and maybe move into a nice place. someday have babies, and not have to worry about anything. have health insurance. be able to buy my husband a present on his birthday (no matter how little and dumb). be able to buy clothes that fit (and maybe stop wearing the same jeans i've had since my junior year of high school. (some of them are looking pretty ragged). maybe be able to go the grocery store and buy what we need/want, instead of the cheapest things we can find to sustain us until the next payday. maybe be able to pay one bill and not worry about what bill won't get paid this month.
we've never been this broke. i know it's my fault. i can't do anything to remedy it. i've tried to find something better and i constantly get shot down. apparently i'm not qualified for anything but retail. and even then, i'm not going to be able to make as much as i make now (and i don't make much, but it's more than most), and i'd be lucky to get as many hours as i get now (which is hilarious, seeing i work like 10/week). i just think it's funny that i have this great job in cincinnati (which i never should have left, i'm seriously kicking myself now), a job that most would think would open some doors for other jobs, but here, it closes them. people see me as untrainable, or unadaptable. whatever. at this point, i'd adapt to just about anything.
i'm going to be taking a cna class starting on the 9th. hopefully this will open some doors. hopefully. i'm not holding my breath. i can't even pay for that myself. i had to beg my dad, and pretty much promise him a kidney should he ever need one, and i have no clue how i'll ever be able to pay him back. as far as the supplies for the class go, alex's parents are taking care of that. i mean, i guess alex's stepmom gets a discount because she's super medic woman and all, but still. i'm not even their kid.
without alex's parents, we'd be lost. they've done more for us that i could ever express. it still pisses me off though. not that they've helped us (believe me. we've never been more grateful to anyone in our lives), but the fact that here we are, 2 able bodied adults, and we can't take care of our business. i mean, we lost our car because we couldn't pay for it. if it wasn't for them, we'd still be walking. they randomly give us money, and it's always gone towards some bill. even the money they give us for christmas, goes straight for some bill or some daily living expense. it's sad. i mean, my mom is keeping me afloat with my student loans. she can't afford it. she's got rent to pay. and she had to buy all new furniture, and she's still paying off bills from my dad. i'm 24 years old. when am i going to grow the fuck up?
i finally get the chance to go to UE for free, and i still don't think i can do it. i fucked myself royally when i was there before (thinking it didn't matter, because i'd never be back), and now, they don't have to take me back. i've got to complete one semester at another university, and ivy tech may not count. so the cheapest school ever, probably won't even work. and even if i do miraculously figure out a way to do the whole USI thing, i still have to pay for books. books aren't cheap. especially at UE. they figure they're private, so lets only use new books. get new editions every year! so you can't even get half of them cheap. whatever. jerks.
i (we) don't want to live here forever. originally the plan was to move here, some how go to UE, and get the hell out. well, the plan looked like it might work when alex started working there. the plan was modified to: alex work. kristina go to school full time all the time and graduate as soon as possible. yeah. not going to happen. we're never going to get to the point where i can just not work and go to school and get it over with. i know i'm beating a dead horse, and i probably shouldn't bitch because i have this opportunity for a free education at a great school, but i'm being realistic. this is not going the way we need it to go.
what if i would've just handled business when i was here before? would things be different? yes, they would. i would've graduated. i would've gotten a decent job somewhere in cincinnati. but i don't think alex i would've gotten married. i don't even know if we'd be together. he probably would've ended up joining the army, and would be god knows where right now. i like to think he would've waited for me, but who knows. (we all know i would've waited for him, because i'm pathetic like that) so i guess i wouldn't change that for anything. i just wish i would've made better choices and this whole equation would be a little easier. not much, but a little.
so if someone on my flist wins the lotto, please, toss a little my way. just a little.